Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize