I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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