just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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