Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
