Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
