How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
