ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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