I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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