he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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