So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize