i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
