I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
