i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
