no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
