He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
as a side note pls kill me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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