This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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