The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
