U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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