his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
