she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
