my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
