So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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