That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
