Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
