dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did i walk over a car last night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
