she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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