I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
