I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize