SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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