And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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