Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
