in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
