he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
