i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
