Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
