if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i out mim tonsoeep
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