I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
