You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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