GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
