Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
