Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
