How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
