sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
