Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
