Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
