i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
