I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
