I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
