Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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