I'm going to jail i love you
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize