I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
