All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
