she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
True strength comes from lack of pants
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
