Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
