ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
