my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
