I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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