No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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