Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
