at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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