I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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