yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
