i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize